Among all the ways a person might choose to “express themselves,” fashion is the worst. Consider any other hobby, like philately or sports where horses do all the work. If you choose to spend a lot of time, effort, and money on something like this, you have harmed me in no way, unless you try to tell me about it at parties (and even then, I get to make jokes behind your back). You get to do something you enjoy in the privacy of your own home, and I get to not. However, I am required to get dressed every day, and the fashionista’s desire to spend time, effort, and money, and then stand next to me, who has not, takes this hobby from the merely boring into the actively aggressive.
Add to this the fact that the fashion world is obviously and consistently wrong about everything. Consider this GQ article about LeBron James, a man who has more to work with, physically, than the rest of us. And look at what the fashion people have done to him, and how much they’ve spent to do it! And look at this article, about “upgrading your closet.” If you were to follow their advice, you would spend OVER THIRTEEN THOUSAND DOLLARS to make yourself look as much like a dingus as that kid in there. There is not a single picture in those two articles that would not be improved by having these people change into jeans and a t-shirt. Fashionable people are wrong, and they should be ignored.
I’ve largely managed to avoid fashionable people by becoming a computer scientist. At professional gatherings, I need not have any concerns about whether I am properly attired, as there will always be somebody far worse. In graduate school, I had one classmate who accessorized with a bright pink Baby Bjorn, in which he had secured his support stuffed groundhog. Another could not always be trusted to wear pants in the workplace.
After a few years at the USNA of working amongst actual people wearing actual clothes, this move to Norway has returned me to a place of comfort. One of my favorite things about Norway is it treats fashion with the disdain it deserves. There is nowhere you can’t go in jeans and tennis shoes, including the office and church. In large part, this is due to the weather – it’s raining, it’s cold, you’re walking or biking wherever you’re going, and there’s no way to deal with all that AND wear something fashionable. Add to this the devotion of the Norwegian people to being outside, and “clothes” start to look more like “gear.”
After a couple months here, I think we’ve finally settled our closets, and figured out what we’d need to survive this winter. As everyone knows, the key is layers. Below is a tour of my closet, and how I intend to stay warm and dry.
Undertøy
Base layers are key. Get this right, and you’re halfway there.
Force long bottoms by Carhartt, Cold Gear 4.0 Crew Top by Under Armour, shorts by Sam’s Club
Allison and I each have several different thicknesses of long johns – the above is my warmest configuration. The Under Armour top is a marvel — it’s thick with a waffle pattern, and is crazy warm. The bottoms make my legs look like a chicken’s and accentuate my ogre feet.
Layers
This picture almost made me scrap this whole post.
Ski tights by Frank Shorter, windproof fleece by Neomondo
Look, the Norwegians are INTO their tights. If you can not be bashful, they’re often the perfect clothes for cold weather sports. I haven’t really gotten there yet. Let’s just move on.
The things I’ll keep wearing a lot in the US
Sweater by Dale of Norway, pants by Lundhags
The Norwegian sweater stereotype is exactly correct. Wool is warm, even when wet, so a wool sweater layer is a must. This one nicely can be either a jacket if not too cold, or a layer if it is.
The Lundhags pants are awesome. They’re Swedish-made, and are hugely popular around here, though mostly in colors like fluorescent orange. They’re really tough, waterproof, windproof, with good pockets and smart seam locations. They fill the roles of both hiking pants and rain pants. If you’re outside getting muddy or wet, they’re great. Some panels are a little stretchy to let you move easier. America needs these.
Rain layer
Scarf by Gail Liston, rain jacket by Columbia
I had a rain jacket of my own, but it was a little too fitted to handle a bunch of layers underneath, so I had to pick this one up, too.
Scarves are A Thing here. Big floofy scarves that they pile up on themselves to cover up to their eyes, without a loose end to whip around in the wind. I can’t get a handle on the technique.
Neck and up
Buff by NTNU, balaclava by N-Ferno, hat by the FBI gift shop
Buff is a word I’ve learned since arriving here. If you want a scarf, but you’re doing sports and don’t want ends flapping around, you want a buff, which is just a cylinder of stretchy material to keep your neck warm. This one was a gift from the department when I arrived and has the university logo on it.
Hands and feet
Two layers of gloves, three layers of socks (two of which are wool), and my massive, indestructible, weatherproof Asolo boots
These boots were once passed around an awed Vietnamese village because they had never seen shoes anywhere near that big. Each is the size and weight of a baby.
Potpourri
Reflective slap bracelet by NTNU, headlamp by Energizer, hat-with-a-ponytail-hole by Saucony
Because it’s not just cold, it’s also dark. And I had to get Allison in here somewhere.
Stay warm out there!
Discover more from The Taylors Go North
Subscribe to get the latest posts sent to your email.